Did you see Luis Suárez crying? It was every bit as good as Steven Gerrard crying, John Terry crying and Ashley Cole crying, it has been confirmed.

The Uruguayan false 9’s blub followed Liverpool’s capitulation in last night’s shock 3-3 draw at Crystal Palace, a result which puts the Premier League title firmly in Manchester City’s gold-plated grip.

Various slip-ups, Champions League exits and final home games have ensured a tearful week for English football’s foremost pantomime villains, so last night’s Suárez sob has been received as something of a glorious bonus for non-Liverpool supporters everywhere.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, your mate Dave described recent footballing events as “an orgiastic carnival of well-targeted schadenfreude”.

He said: “Seeing Luis Suárez crying like that made me really, really, really horny.

“Not even in a sexual way, if that’s possible – I’m just in love with the world at the moment and would like to express that in the form of a mass embrace.

“It’s made me kind of religious too – I mean, maybe there is a god, you know? Or at least some form cosmic karma guard, someone who sits over the world in a lifeguard/umpire-type chair ensuring that serial cheaters get their comeuppance.

“I think I’m falling back in love with my ex-wife. Sky’s grey out, but I feel like I’m basking in glorious sunshine.

“I could go on.”

And he did.