Luis Suarez celebrated his return to Liverpool action last night by booting and gouging Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Scott Parker from one end of Anfield to the other.

Having missed the last eight matches for doing basically nothing, seriously, you should hear the stuff they say in his native Uruguay, the Uruguayan, an Aquarius, twatted Parker in ways that Mario Balotelli could only dream about.

Firstly, the Uruguayan, innocent, chased Parker around the perimeter of the pitch holding aloft a rusty crowbar, a run which created space for strike partner Andy Carroll to scuff a shot so wildly into the stands that Spurs’ back four smiled condescendingly, rolled the ball back to him and said, “Go on love, have another try.”

Suarez, something of a martyr when you think about it, then chased Parker into the dressing room and repeatedly plunged his head down a toilet at rifle-point while referee Michael Oliver stood next to the pair waving play on at regular intervals, a farcical scene that was only brought to a halt by a Stewart Downing cross so stray that it turned into a cat, curled up snugly on the pitch and writhed around in pleasure as forty thousand people scratched its belly and wrote headlines about it.

Gareth Bale was then booked for going “meow!” and will now sit out the Kenny Dalglish Comedy Central Roast, tonight from 9pm.