When Luis Suárez bites Chiellini, it’s for a damn good reason – the reason being, it turns out, that he wants to play for Honduras.
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Having achieved his lifelong dream of being controversial for Uruguay at two World Cups, the Liverpool false 9 has now set his sights on playing for a nation of sufficient underdog status to excuse on-pitch brutality against the opposition.
Upon watching replays of the moment Suárez bites Chiellini, our peckish protagonist can clearly be seen tossing a sheet of paper towards the dugout headed “Requesto Transferico”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp in between dislodging bits of Italian from between his majestic molars, Suárez confirmed the ulterior motive we’d all suspected.
He said: “It’s always been my dream to make headlines for all the wrong reasons at back-to-back World Cups for my native Uruguay.
“Now I have achieved that, I’d like to switch my attentions to securing my secondary lifelong dream of playing for a side so lowly that repeatedly maiming and munching on opponents is tacitly permitted.
“What better way to map out an impromptu escape route, then, than by chomping Chiellini?
“I must say he tasted rather nicer than Branislav Ivanovic – more like passata and anchovies than stodgy meat and bread – so I only hope our paths will cross again at Russia 2018.
“The challenge of out-controversy-ing that tournament and its notorious Qatar-based successor is something I’ll relish – and if anyone out there has any relish, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.
“The gaffer sent me to my room without dinner and the more I look at my own forearm, the more it looks like a delicious hotdog.”