A television studio audience has taken up residence at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground in order to punctuate Roman Abramovich’s increasingly regular visits with a variety of whooping sounds.
The club’s Russian owner, a Scorpio, paid his second visit in the space of a week when he turned up yesterday to watch Andre Villas-Boas put his players through their paces just days after they surrendered a three-goal lead against Manchester United at Stamford Bridge.
Although Chelsea have insisted otherwise, Abramovich’s prior reluctance to go anywhere near the training base has led to widespread suspicion that he ain’t exactly happy with what he’s been seeing of late, a notion which the television studio audience hopes to convey by crying out “wuh-oh!” whenever a limousine pulls up outside.
Speaking in unerring unison, the television studio audience said: “Apparently Abramovich has spent one billion pounds of his own money on Chelsea since taking over, so he probably wouldn’t have been jumping through hoops over losing at home to Aston Villa or scraping a point at Swansea City via a last-gasp own goal.
“As such, we are here to emphasise the Principal Skinner-Superintendent Chalmers nature of his relationship with the manager by going “oooooooohhh!” every time he beckons him over for a chat, “woooOOOoohhh!” every time he shows up with a potential new manager on his arm, and “BAAAAHAHAHAHA!” every time Fernando Torres gets dispossessed by a plastic cone.
“Wait, he’s coming back – look out Andre! WoooooOOOOOoooohhhh! Ooooooooohhhh! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!”
They added: “BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
According to sources, there were then ripples of applause as David Luiz was carried off on a stretcher having knocked himself unconscious treading on a rake.