Stuart Pearce outlines plans for more slide tackles and fist pumps

Stuart Pearce
Pearce… Passion (Image: Austin Osuide)

England U21 coach Stuart Pearce is set to be offered a new twenty-year deal after impressing bosses with a 180-page dossier outlining the way forward for English football.

The dossier, really more of a flick book, is comprised of a series of still images showing Pearce in his Nottingham Forest heyday executing a crunching slide tackle before rising to his feet and pumping his fist at the crowd, in what is already being described in some quarters as “passion”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, an FA spokesperson said that everyone who bore witness to Pearce’s presentation was so impressed that they agreed right there and then to offer him their ‘super bumper deluxe’ contract package then went out and celebrated the arrangement over some Chinese food.

He said: “It was awe-inspiring stuff, it really was. When Stuart entered the room with that bloody great dossier in tow, we were all thinking to ourselves, ‘Oh, here we go, he’s discovered pass and move and now we’re all going to miss Neighbours.’

“What a relief it was, then, when he just proceeded to flick through the series of images in a mere matter of seconds, then demonstrated the slide tackle/fist pump manoeuvre on our cleaner, who is expected to be out for four to six weeks with ruptured Achilles tendon strings.

“Stuart’s no spring chicken so he also emerged from the challenge with some wear and tear, but after four servings of pork balls in black bean sauce he was right as rain once again, roaming the streets in search of fresh victims to inflict his passion on – not in an amorous way, I might add.

“He was so buoyant that, if we didn’t know any better, we’d never have guessed he’d just seen his England U21 unceremoniously dumped out of that tournament thingy by an A-Ha tribute act who were missing their regular keyboardist.”

He added: “Here’s to the future of English football, whether it be glorious or someone else’s problem entirely!”