Steven Gerrard slips on own tears, title in Everton’s hands

Liverpool captain's continuing blub proves costly as Chelsea capitalise on emotional outpouring.

No Steven Gerrard slips here
Gerrard in happier times (Image: Ruaraidh Gillies)

When Steven Gerrard slips, the world slips – into hysteria, that is.

The Liverpool captain, a Gemini, was still crying tears of joy as a result of his side’s momentous victory over Manchester City the other week when he slipped on his own blub-water to put Chelsea’s Demba Ba through on goal in yesterday’s title thingy.

Ba slotted coolly to put the visitors on course for a 2-0 victory that José Mourinho chose to celebrate by going around Anfield personally twisting the nipples of each and every home supporter present.

With the title now Everton’s to hand to Manchester City this weekend, well damn.

Everton said: “That’s right, Blackburn Rovers did go to Anfield in 1995 needing three points to claim the title at the expense of Liverpool’s bitter rivals Manchester United.

“Why yes, Liverpool did actually win that day, not that United were able to capitalise at West Ham United. Didn’t Andy Cole miss about fifteen one-on-ones?

“Yeah, that’s right, I remember all of that. So what’s your point?”

Everton continued: “Oh, I see. Well, we shall of course be keen to pursue our diminishing chances of qualifying for the Champions League.

“It’s just a shame that Mirallas, Jagielka and Distin are so gosh darn injured at the moment, Pienaar too. And Baines, we had to bring him off at Southampton – did you see that?

“And Barry’s ineligible. And Joel Robles needs games. However, Gibson and Kone say they’re ready to make a dramatic comeback as long as we can tie them together and let them operate one leg each.

“Shouldn’t really play Lukaku or Deulofeu either. After all, it would be desperately unfair if Liverpool were to win the title because of loans.

“Coleman and McCarthy have run themselves into the ground this season, so it would be downright unfair of us to send them chasing after Agüero and Touré after everything they’ve done.

“Aside from all this, we shall field the strongest side we possibly can.”

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