Steven Gerrard has retired from football to formally challenge Frank Lampard and Tony Blair for the UK’s political centre ground.
Former Labour Prime Minister Blair announced a shock comeback, identifying a gaping whole in centrist politics and describing it as “a power vacuum”.
However, he may now be forced out to the left to accommodate either or both of Gerrard and Lampard as future leader or joint leaders of the Liberal Democrats.
Blair’s legacy took a hit earlier this year when he was found to have personally murdered upwards of a million people.
With no known war crimes on their respective rap sheets, Gerrard and Lampard are perfectly poised to make a play for the centre of the UK’s political spectrum.
According to sources from both camps, Gerrard and Lampard both agree that pairing themselves together “couldn’t possibly fail”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Communist Party leader Paul Scholes warned of dire consequences.
He said: “I can’t help but feel that I’ve seen this all before.
“On paper they’ll think they should work in tandem, sure, but they’ll only get in each other’s way and make a total mess of it.
“Seeing that kind of thing really shunted my Overton window out to the left. Personally I identify as a Leninist these days, although I appreciate that’s not exactly popular right now.”
He added: “I’ve got some literature you should read.”