Steven Gerrard retires from international dejection, eyes BNP role

England's brave Stevie G set for bold new career in right-wing politics.

Steven Gerrard retires
Gerrard tries to draw his own dejected face from memory (Image: Elwedritsch)

Steven Gerrard retires from international football with the best wishes of all England fans, especially those whose interests also include dejected facial expressions.


The Liverpool captain’s disconsolate visage has been lighting up international tournaments for fourteen years, culminating with arguably his finest effort to date following a pivotal headed assist for Luis Suárez in the 2-1 World Cup defeat to Uruguay.

Having wrong-footed everyone with a productive club season, Gerrard underlined his lingering genius for crestfallen countenances with an absolute master class to cap his costly slip in a 0-2 defeat to Chelsea – and he did not disappoint at Brazil 2014.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Gerrard issued a come-and-get-me plea to the British National Party.

He said: “I’ve always wanted to move into politics, and I suppose the timing’s right what with Nick Griffin stepping down as well.

“I can’t say I’ve ever been particularly right-wing – Sven-Göran Eriksson played me there a couple of times and it didn’t go well – but if the BNP will have me then I’d love to have a go.

“I’m very passionate about my country, so I don’t want the story to be ‘Steven Gerrard retires’ – think of it more as ‘Steven Gerrard assumes new role’, a bit like William Hague.

“And of course myself when I became a deep-lying midfielder. I thought that was particularly brilliant of me.”

Speculation is rife as to Griffin’s potential role in the England set-up, with a Director of Football post rumoured to be in the offing.

FA chairman Greg Dyke was unavailable for comment as he’s still trying to figure out what football actually is.