Steven Gerrard retires from international football with the best wishes of all England fans, especially those whose interests also include dejected facial expressions.
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The Liverpool captain’s disconsolate visage has been lighting up international tournaments for fourteen years, culminating with arguably his finest effort to date following a pivotal headed assist for Luis Suárez in the 2-1 World Cup defeat to Uruguay.
Having wrong-footed everyone with a productive club season, Gerrard underlined his lingering genius for crestfallen countenances with an absolute master class to cap his costly slip in a 0-2 defeat to Chelsea – and he did not disappoint at Brazil 2014.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Gerrard issued a come-and-get-me plea to the British National Party.
He said: “I’ve always wanted to move into politics, and I suppose the timing’s right what with Nick Griffin stepping down as well.
“I can’t say I’ve ever been particularly right-wing – Sven-Göran Eriksson played me there a couple of times and it didn’t go well – but if the BNP will have me then I’d love to have a go.
“I’m very passionate about my country, so I don’t want the story to be ‘Steven Gerrard retires’ – think of it more as ‘Steven Gerrard assumes new role’, a bit like William Hague.
“And of course myself when I became a deep-lying midfielder. I thought that was particularly brilliant of me.”
Speculation is rife as to Griffin’s potential role in the England set-up, with a Director of Football post rumoured to be in the offing.
FA chairman Greg Dyke was unavailable for comment as he’s still trying to figure out what football actually is.