Sunderland striker Steven Fletcher has attributed his return to goal-scoring form to his own ingenious invention – a time machine made out of a DeLorean sports car.
The Scot, great, had spent much of the last few years swigging whisky and chain-smoking when it suddenly occurred to him that he could fit one of his motors up with a flux capacitor.
In doing so, he would be able to reverse time to such a point whereby he’d be scoring goals again without having to go through all the rigorous training then tends to blight most comeback attempts.
And he’s only gone and bleedin’ done it, as recent braces against Stoke City and most recently Crystal Palace will testify.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Steven Fletcher revealed that he knew he had to do something when he was approached about doing some Big Issue work.
He said: “I’m stinking rich, but the folks from the Big Issue weren’t to know that from my shabby appearance and rank odour.
“It was then that I realised that I had to do something about my public image, which had admittedly taken a hit from years of downing Bell’s straight from the bottle and making my own preserves out of fag butts.
“What can I say? It’s good to be back.”