Sports minister pledges “a Wayne Rooney that works for everyone”

Tracey Crouch MP vows to "make Rooney great again" by 2018.

Tracey Crouch MP has promised to make Wayne Rooney great again
PLEDGE: Crouch (Image: Foreign and Commonwealth Office)

The Government Minister for Sport, Heritage and Tourism has reiterated her Conservative conference promise to deliver a Wayne Rooney that works for everyone.

Tracey Crouch, MP for Chatham and Aylesford, received resounding applause from party members when she initially pledged to “make Rooney great again”.

Ahead of England’s World Cup qualifier against Malta tomorrow, Crouch noted recent criticism of Rooney and vowed to do everything in her power to restore his awesome goal-scoring power.

Rooney has been relegated to the substitutes bench at Manchester United following three seasons of ponderous displays and delusional witterings about transforming into a midfielder play-maker.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Crouch indicated that her first move would be to insist on Rooney being deployed as a striker.

She said: “That’s where he played during his glory days, so we have to look at playing him there again.

“I was disappointed that Roy Hodgson yielded to the liberal-progressive agenda by playing him in midfield at Euro 2016.

“For too long now, players have been encouraged to identify as whichever position they feel like, rather than the position they were born as.

“We must not stand idly by and allow political correctness to run amok on our Great British values and customs.

“As such, I pledge a Wayne Rooney that works for everyone by 2018 – one that’s playing up front, scoring thirty goals a season and delivering meals on wheels in his spare time.

“It’s time to stand up for our beliefs, take back control of Wayne Rooney and slyly insinuate that his recent poor form has been down to the interference of Muslims and Romanians.

“Because it probably is.”