Sol Campbell has outlined plans to convert London – all of London – into a sprawling theme park constructed entirely in his own honour and image.
The former England defender, insane, had already thrown his hat into the ring to succeed Boris Johnson as Mayor of London when it occurred to him that the Capital isn’t nearly enough of a shrine to his career as it should be.
Campbell was initially drawn towards the Conservative party in a bid to combat Labour’s proposed Mansion Tax, which threatened to make minor indentations in his £35m personal fortune so as to make life easier for others.
His defection from Tottenham Hotspur to Arsenal as a player courted much controversy, but if Campbell’s plans for Sol Campbell Land are given the go ahead then there could soon be an entire wing of the Tate Modern devoted to the transfer.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Campbell suggested cordoning off a borough or two as monuments to show what life might have been like had his headers against Argentina at the 1998 World Cup and Portugal in the 2004 European Championships not been disallowed.
He said: “I suppose the boroughs would be in states of perpetual celebration – celebration of me, of my hypothetically non-disallowed goals and what they might have led to, of my success in working my way up from ‘working class roots’ hero into plain old ‘hero’.
“And if you don’t vote for me then you’re racist.”