Sir Alex to move upstairs, room cleared in attic, wife livid

Sir Alex Ferguson
Sir Alex… Surreal (Image: Austin Osuide)

Football Burp awoke this morning to the sensational news that Manchester United overlord Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his intention to move upstairs at the end of the season.

The part of our house, above downstairs, is pretty full at the moment but we suppose he could take the baby’s room if the little ‘un has no objections to sleeping in a box at the end of our bed (not that he would, he can’t talk yet).

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Football Burp explained that they’d cleared room in the attic because either we could move a bed in there or Sir Alex can use it as storage space for the myriad accolades he’ll have accumulated over his fifty years or whatever of managing the Red Devils to near-unbroken success.

Burp said: “The wife’s livid, of course, but personally I can’t wait for Sir Alex to move in upstairs.

“There’s so much that I want to ask him – like why did he decide to move upstairs, and which of his players could drink the most. I reckon Irwin, Bruce and Pallister could put it away.

“I’ve not heard from Sir Alex directly yet but I’d like to make it publicly known that he’s free to help himself to anything in the fridge, as well as all the cups of tea he can handle.

“It’s going to be fun. I’m sure he’ll love our Friday night Monopoly tournaments. He’s got a competitive spirit.”

Burp continued: “But if he should hog the bathroom in the morning when my wife and I need to use it – “Five more minutes, five more minutes!” he’ll plead – I should say, ‘Oi, Fergie! Naaahhh!’

“And if he should leave his manager of the month awards lying around all over the place, cluttering up the gaff, I should say, ‘Oi, Fergie! Your ability ability to assemble multiple title-winning sides may have been second to none, but when you’re living under my roof you’re living by my rules – and that means no bleedin’ medals in the sink!

“Wash ’em, then take ’em back to your room! Don’t just leave them lying about, like you’ve got so many that they’ve lost all value to you now!

“That’s it, Sir Alex, I’m going to have to ask you nicely to leave.”