Sepp Blatter passes integrity check as hostile aliens take aim

Humankind blows five squillionth chance not to be a corrupt mess, confirms Commander Blorx of Horsehead Nebula infantry.

Fifa president Sepp Blatter
SEPP: Blatter (Image: Antonio Cruz/ABr)

Aliens have outlined plans to obliterate Earth after Fifa’s electoral committee once again approved Sepp Blatter for the world governing body’s presidential elections.

The advanced race, extraterrestrial, have been keeping close tabs on our planet ever since the ushering in of centuries of war and injustice several centuries ago.

In a move that is already being described as “very much a case of the straw that broke the camel’s back”, the aliens announced their intention to mine Earth for resources before blowing it to kingdom come with all humankind along for the death ride.

Telepathically communicating exclusively to Football Burp, Commander Blorx of the Horsehead Nebula Royal Infantry explained that we’d all be enslaved to speed along the mining process before all the exploding.

She transmitted: “Seriously with Blatter again? As if everyone doesn’t already know all about [passage removed on lawyer’s insistence].

“I mean, it’s so brazen that we half-suspect you’re trolling us, but frankly we don’t care any more – you’ve blown your five squillionth chance.

“And that’s not an exaggeration because we all have exceptionally evolved mathematical minds and that’s the system we use – five squillion chances, a bit like your human three-strikes-and-out method.

“We came very close to destroying you when the last U2 album popped up on all our iTunes, and this is very much the last straw.

“We’ll take the animals with us, though. We’ve been watching your human YouTube and they are all very funny.

“We might decide to spare you if you elect Luís Figo as Fifa president, but let’s face it, that’s about as statistically likely as there not being life on other planets.

“Now grab a shovel and get cracking.”

Earth leaders were unavailable for comment.