Although there are presently forty thousand and twelve Scottish managers operating in the UK, it is believed that every single one of them – from Sir Alex Ferguson all the way down to Ally McCoist – has at some point since news of Levein’s departure broke yesterday made contact requesting that their names not be so much as linked with the job lest it cause irreparable damage to their reputation.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for the SFA refused to rule out applicants from other species as long as all the necessary criteria are met.
He/she said: “A beating heart and at least one functioning eye – that’s all we ask.
“We’ve had a number of dogs and rodents coming in since yesterday, due in part perhaps to the mess of foodstuffs resulting from the ‘muck-up day’ we afford all of our outgoing managers, but I’m pretty sure some of them twitched their noses with intent when we shoved a contract in their face.
“Some of the dogs in particular stood out for their energy and perseverance – we had a Labrador that chased its own tail for a full twenty minutes before falling asleep and wetting itself, all qualities befitting of the manager of a team whose most dangerous player is Stephen Fletcher.
“We won’t be rushed into making a decision, but at the same time I’m not going to stand here and deny that there’s a truck delivering a massive shipment of Pedigree Chum just behind us.
“We have taken all the necessary precautions, and vaccinations.”