Rooney headband confirms Chelsea interest

"Wayne wants to go to Chelsea. He wants it baaaad, alright - yeah, real bad. He's like the opposite of Elvis Costello."

Wayne Rooney headband
Rooney headband… Full of suggestions

It’s the Wayne Rooney headband that’s sweeping the nation! However, we can exclusively reveal that there’s a dark side to the Manchester United star’s protective garb.

After studying footage of last night’s post-match interview under a powerful audioscope, Football Burp can exclusively reveal that the Rooney headband can be heard to utter obscenities and implore its illustrious wearer to commit random acts of destruction.

Rooney enjoyed another productive evening at Old Trafford, notching twice in a 4-2 Champions League win over Bayer Leverkusen to become the highest-scoring Englishman in Champions League history.

The strikes also took his Manchester United tally to the 200 mark, matching the number of goals scored by Robin van Persie in the first few months of last season.

When asked by an intrepid ITV reporter about summer speculation linking him with a move to Chelsea, Rooney gave an indignant glare and offered the bloke outside for a straightener.

“Look, I’m just concentrating on me football,” he said, adding, “and on smashin’ yer face in, you bad meff”.

He then spat at the reporter’s feet and emphatically uttered the word “quilt”.

Upon closer inspection, however, the Rooney headband could be heard to snarl: “Horses**t.

“Wayne wants to go to Chelsea. He wants it baaaad, alright – yeah, real bad. He’s like the opposite of Elvis Costello.

“He just can’t wait to stick one in the United net then celebrate by going over to David Moyes and eating a large Big Mac meal in front of him.

“I’m wrapped around his skull, I can read his thoughts. Read them through the gash in his head.

“The more I tell him to burn things, the better he plays. When he says ‘I’m concentratin’ on me footy’ – that’s me doing that.

“But January’s approaching. We are time’s subjects, and time bids be gone. Tick tock…tick tock…tick tock.

“Tick tock.”

The Rooney headband then grinned a malevolent grin and disappeared bit by bit, much like the Cheshire cat.

Rooney said: “Where’s me f***in’ headband gone, like?

“I f***in’ need tha’.”