Skeletons unearthed by last night’s Wayne Rooney dive against Bayern Munich are Black Death victims from the great pandemic of the 14th Century, forensic tests have indicated.
Records say that thousands of corpses were dumped in a mass grave somewhere in the Greater Manchester area, but its exact location had hitherto been a mystery.
Having witnessed Rooney emerge from last night’s dive chewing on a bone, archaeologists now believe it is directly underneath Manchester United’s Old Trafford stadium.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, embattled Red Devils boss David Moyes confirmed that he planned to expand the search for victims’ remains in the hope that some of them can play in midfield.
He said: “I know, it sounds like an obvious gag – but it’s actually true.
“We’ve had a chat about it, and we think that a load of dusty, 660-year-old bones piled neatly in the centre circle would provide ideal cover for Tom Cleverley.
“Again, you’re probably thinking, ‘Cheap shot’ – but I assure you this is no joke.
“We’ll be spending whatever money we have this summer on underground radar scans in order to avoid such complications as agents’ fees, minimum release clauses and all that sort of unfathomable bureaucracy.
“I’ve also spoken with Wayne and we’ve agreed to insert a clause into his contract that entitles him to a bonus every time he uncovers a plague victim/potential squaddie.
“His canine instincts could be vital for us in the run-in.”