Roberto Martínez latest: Whelan and Kenwright vie for media attention

Roberto Martínez
Martínez… Doesn’t even have to move house

Bill Kenwright and Dave Whelan, chairmen of Everton and Wigan Athletic respectively, are all set to grapple for media attention surrounding the appointment of Roberto Martínez as the Toffees’ new manager.

The arl fellas, sentimental, have each announced amidst their ever-ongoing stream-of-consciousness prattlings that they shall spend all of today standing on a podium in the middle of Trafalgar Square with megaphone in tow, just in case all assorted press would care to show up and record their words for posterity.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Kenwright and Whelan confirmed that they do intend to pay personal visits to any journalists, reporters, bloggers and eminent tweeters who fail to show up within the allotted hours.

They chorused: “Roberto Martínez is a wonderful, intelligent man central to everything we want our football clubs to aspire to be in principle and spirit.

“He is a keen cook, a considerate lover and he only ever gets relegated when all his best defenders are goosed. Did you see that FA Cup he won the other week? It’s so shiny, which reminds me of the time when I first fell in love.

“Of course, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.”

Meanwhile, newly installed Manchester United manager David Moyes has rejected his own £10m bid for Everton and England left back Leighton Baines, dismissing the offer as “derisory” and challenging himself to fisticuffs.

He roared: “Obviously I’d like to take Leighton to Old Trafford with me, but there will be no dereliction of duties while I’m officially still contracted to Everton.

“I find my own offer completely unacceptable, to be perfectly frank. Leighton is an excellent footballer with a cool haircut, so I should be holding out for at least double.”

He continued: “Double? Am I out of my mind? The lad’s 28 and we’ve got Everton over a barrel financially.

“I’m going to give myself a smack in the chops if I carry on like this.”