Redknapp, disingenuous, has spent the last week standing by his front door fastening and unfastening his coat over and over again while saying things like, “I’m just popping out to accept the Ukraine job” and “better take a hat and gloves, I hear it’s bloody freezing in Kiev this time of year”.
The standoff finally paid off this morning when QPR owner Tony Fernandes, who himself had spent all week sitting by the telephone with his hand on the receiver going “nnnnngggggghhhhhh!”, announced that Mark Hughes had been sent packing, given the chop, the axe, the old heave-ho, and a whole host of marching orders besides.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Redknapp said he was so pleased with how it all panned out that he intends to try out similar on his spouse in order to elicit sandwich preparation at his whim.
He said: “I haven’t figured it out precisely yet, but if I can get a man sacked from his job then I’m pretty sure I can get the missus to make me a sarnie of my own choosing every now and again.
“My agent’s offered to leak a story linking me with ‘er next door, the handsome woman who’s always got her hair in rollers, but I don’t want to rock the boat too much when I could just stand by the fridge loudly listing my demands to no-one in particular until someone makes me a sandwich, even if it takes all week.
“If that someone just happens to be the ol’ ball and chain then that would be a bonus, because I’m fed up of her getting on my case about cholesterol and all that nonsense.”
He added: “Bacon! Mustard! English mustard, none of that foreign muck!
“Cheese! Pickle! Turkey slices!”
Meanwhile, it is being reported that a number of shady-looking Cockney types have cleaned up after lumping on Redknapp to take the QPR job once the Ukraine link had lengthened the odds.
One said: “I can’t wait to spend my share of…er, I mean ALL of the winnings.”
At the time of going to press, it is believed that Mrs Redknapp has switched on the cooker.