The SPL clubs, Scottish, spent much of this afternoon jumping up and down with their arms round each other’s shoulders, chanting “bye bye” in a faux macho voice and speaking excitedly about how it’s all a bit like Big Brother.
Ross County said: “Haha. Jerks.
“That’ll serve you right for whatever it is you would have done to us this coming season had you not spontaneously combusted like the chain-smoking, whiskey-guzzling petrol-pump attendant that you metaphorically are.
“Later, losers. We’re gonna build a relatively competitive squad now and take your place as Champions League contenders, and one time we’ll sneak in and make loads of lovely money for our troubles.
“Buh-BYE!”
Hearts said: “No you’re not. We are. Didn’t you see us in the cup final?”
Hibs said: “Leave it out. You got five lucky goals. We’ll lord it over you this season, just you watch.”
Kilmarnock said: “If one of us manages to sneak into the Champions League and spends the prize money well enough to stay there, what happens to the rest of us?”
Aberdeen said: “Well, I suppose the rest of us would…you know…gradually die.”
Dundee United said: “Oh.”
Silence permeated the air.
Club 12 said: “Never mind, eh – may the best team win!”
Everyone turned to look at Club 12.
Club 12 added: “Er…I’ll just get going then, shall I?”
All nodded.
Club 12 said: “Right you are.”
(Exit Club 12 stage left)