Racism drops to 17th in list of top 20 Things Uefa Will Fine You For

Nicklas Bendtner playing for Denmark against Holland
Bendtner… Pants (Img: Дмитрий Неймырок/Dmitriy Neymyrok/Dmitrij Nejmyrok)
Actively expressing your prejudice against another individual based on the colour of their skin has dropped to a lowly 17th in the latest Things Uefa Will Fine You For rankings.

After briefly flashing your sponsored pants stormed into the top ten off the back of a Nicklas Bendtner-inspired display against Portugal, racially motivated hatred will now jostle for position alongside the likes of not washing your hands after going onesies and repeatedly screaming in the referee’s face as it attempts to reclaim its rightful place near the top of things that Uefa see as being a bit of a problem.

That top 20 in full:

1. Removing your shirt (maximum fine: €200,000 and a lifetime ban)

2. Removing your shorts and pants (maximum fine: €150,000 and a ten-year ban)

3. Showing your sponsored pants but not actually removing them (maximum fine: €100,000 and a one-game ban)

4. Forgetting to clean your shin pads (maximum fine: €100,000 and a half-game ban)

5. Punching a supporter in the face (maximum fine: €99,999 and a quarter-game ban)

6. Killing a person on the pitch (maximum fine: €50,000 and a two-game ban)

7. Killing an animal on the pitch (maximum fine: €40,000 and a one-game ban)

8. Killing a person off the pitch (maximum fine: €20,000 and a one-game ban)

9. Saying ‘Jehovah’ (maximum fine: €10,000)

10. Killing an animal off the pitch (maximum fine: forty euros)

11. Not being able to answer a straightforward arithmetic question within thirty seconds of it being posed (maximum fine: thirty euros)

12. Farting really eggily (maximum fine: twenty-five euros and a Chinese burn)

13. Farting quite eggily (maximum fine: twenty euros and a slight nipple twist)

14. Kicking a fan out of their wheelchair and rolling around in it going “duuuurrrr!” (maximum fine: fifteen euros and whatever’s in your fridge at the time of collection)

15. Telling the opposition goalkeeper his wife’s just died before a crucial penalty kick (maximum fine: ten euros and a death warrant made out to your own wife or closest female relative)

16. Not washing your hands after going onesies (maximum fine: five Euros and 72 hours’ community service)

17. Being a bad racist (maximum fine: fifteen minutes in a room listening to a recorded voice repeat “don’t do it again” and an official apology on Twitter)

18. Screaming repeatedly in the referee’s face (maximum fine: he gets to scream in yours afterwards)

19. Sacrificing the referee as part of an elaborate Pagan ritual (maximum fine: two euros and a one-game ban)

20. Not tying your bootlaces with Uefa-approved knots (maximum fine: ten-game ban)