QPR pip Newcastle, Tesco and Brian to clinch Loïc Rémy signature

Tesco Bromley Superstore
Tesco Bromley will now turn their attentions to Peter Odemwingie (Img: Gordon Griffiths)

Marseille striker Loïc Rémy will sign for bottom-of-the-table Queens Park Rangers after rejecting offers from Newcastle United, Tesco Bromley Superstore and some bloke called Brian.

The Frenchman, French, looked all set to join Alan Pardew’s struggling Magpies when a “very tempting” offer came in from the south east London retailers to man their fish counter, which offers a wide range of fresh cuts prepared to order.

Speaking exclusively to French site Le Burp Footballaise, Rémy confirmed that he was also the recipient of a last-ditch phone call from Brian, who said he had some windows that needed cleaning and that he’d leave a key out in case the player wanted to help himself to tea and biscuits.

He said: “Obviously it has been a difficult decision for me as all of the offers have been very evenly matched.

“In Newcastle I would have been well paid but would have had to play for Newcastle, in Bromley I would have had staff discounts but the lingering smell of raw fish about my person, whereas at Brian’s I’d get tea and biscuits but only earn minimum wage.

“When Harry Redknapp called asking me to come to QPR I was very pleased because, although I will have to play for QPR, I will be well paid and not have to sell any fish.

“At Newcastle, Mr Ashley said, I would have had to sell ‘some fish’.”

Speaking exclusively to Cockney site Football Cor Blimey Love-a-Duck, Redknapp revealed that QPR are also close to signing Rennes midfielder Yann M’Vila.

He said: “The lad’s also had an offer to play bass for Beady Eye, but at the end of the day we offered him Anton Ferdinand as a butler and they didn’t.”

Liam Gallagher is now believed to be running the rule over Klaas-Jan Huntelaar.