President Trump condemns “violence on all sides” of Shelvey-Alli fracas

Controversial POTUS refuses to lay blame solely at feet of Newcastle midfielder.

Newcastle's Jonjo Shelvey stamped on Dele Alli
JUSTIFIED? Jonjo (Image: Toon90)

President Donald Trump has moved to condemn what he sees as “violence on all sides” of the on-pitch bust-up between Jonjo Shelvey and Dele Alli.

Shelvey was sent off for stamping on his Spurs counterpart, but Trump refused to lay the blame solely at the Newcastle midfielder’s feet.

He told Football Burp: “Sure, Jojo (sic) stamps on Daly (sic), but we don’t know what was going on between those guys before all that happened.

“For all we know, Daly (sic) came charging at him with a baseball bat in the tunnel before kick-off. I’m just saying, we don’t know.

“Jojo’s (sic) a great guy, a great player. I’ve got a lot of time for Jojo (sic). You look at what he said to that Wolves player, and you know, that was great.

“Daly, on the other hand, I don’t like him so much. I’m a big genes guy, you know what I’m saying? I’ve got all the best genes, believe me.

“Daly’s genes? Not so great, I can tell you. He’s just not made of the right stuff, which by the way I am.

“Maybe that’s why I’ve got a 150 IQ and he’s just some schmuck playing soccerball. I’m just saying, maybe that’s the reason.

“Jojo though? Love the guy. Gonna invite him to my golf course in Scotland and teach him my secret swing.

“He’d make a fine Director of Comms, let me tell you.”

Nobody coherent was available for comment at the time of writing.