Former Uefa president Michel Platini remains completely oblivious to the fact he’s been banned from all football-related activity for eight years, it has emerged.

The revelation, shocking, came out yesterday when the erstwhile France international announced that he’d ruled himself out of the running to be next president of Fifa, the very organisation that banned him after he failed a random corruption test.

Under the terms of the 60-year-old’s footballing exile, he’s not even allowed to play Subbuteo or attempt to explain the offside rule to someone, let alone put himself forward to be head of the game’s worldwide ruling body.

Further stipulations of Platini’s banishment forbid him to sing in “anything resembling a chant-like manner” or to imbibe “whatever the French equivalent of Bovril is”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for Fifa insisted that Platini has been repeatedly informed of where he stands.

They said: “It’s like he’s unable to process anything literally any more after years of nodding and winking.

“I’d accuse him of being in la la land if that didn’t mean ‘the the land’ in French.”

Platini was unavailable for comment as he was busy ruling himself out of the US presidential elections.