Newcastle United and their manager Alan Pardew share a genetic predisposition for ultimate failure, according to an elite study group of top scientists.
The scientists, eminent, claim to have discovered that both parties naturally secrete an element known as comedy gold, which has the chemical symbol HaHa and an atomic number of 101.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one of the scientists – Steve – at least we think he said Steve, he could have said Steed – explained that the relative successes of last season’s top five finish and the resultant LMA award for Alan Pardew were all part of the hilarity.
He said: “The reaction that takes place when comedy gold is exposed to more comedy gold often involves a ‘false dawn’ period whereby the ultimately affected parties become very positive about the future, thus enhancing the eventual humour total by approximately 73.642 per cent.
“The levels of comedy gold detected when Alan Pardew is allowed into contact with Newcastle United are so strong that they were able to postpone our study until after such a time as one party had signed an eight-year contract with the other.
“Forget Souness, Roeder, Kinnear, Keegan Mark II or even Shearer – this has the potential to be bigger and more hilarious than all of that combined.”
He added: “I’m talking ‘Michael Chopra up front’ hilarious.”