Owen takes up retirement option after five-year trial period

Michael Owen
Owen is helped to his feet after nodding off against Everton (Img: Gordon Flood)

English football super-legend Michael Owen has decided to take up his option on retirement after the successful completion of his five-year trial period with virtual inactivity.

Owen, still only 24, had most recently been looking at retirement homes in Stoke after a worldwide search that took him to the north of England, then Madrid, then back to the north of England again.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Owen expressed his gratitude to those who’ve helped him become the footballing nonpareil that we all bow before today.

He said: “Having been totally boss for a few years, then sitting on my keister for roughly the same amount of time again, I have decided that the time is now right to bring the curtain down on my illustrious career.

“None of this would have been possible without the tremendous support I have received from managers, coaches, fellow players, backroom staff, the supporters and my own personal sponsors. I would like to thank each and every one for the huge role they have played in helping me become totally boss and basically beyond reproach.

“Most of all, though, I would like to thank my family. They have always been there to tell me how boss I am after a hard day’s worth of being boss, whether that be on a football pitch or a PlayStation.

“I now look forward to spending the rest of my life constantly smashing my own personal top scores on every game there is, as well as generally messing about with horses and helicopters. Furthermore, I would like to thank…”

There was then an audible twang as Owen collapsed to the ground with ruptured hamstring ligaments.

He said: “Having been midway through the greatest, most inspiring retirement speech ever known, and then collapsed to the ground with ruptured hamstring ligaments, I feel the time has come to bring the curtain down on my illustrious retirement speech.

“I would like to thank…”