“Not enough jumpers” – Hodgson rues preparation failure

Blames own grandchildren for dearth of suitable knitwear.

Woolly jumper
Jumper… Woolly

England manager Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson has opened up for the first time about his side’s dismal World Cup showing, and he’s convinced he’s found the answer – not enough jumpers.

Although FA chairman Greg Dyke insists that the attendance in the crowd of more Royal Family members would have made England play “like footballing nonpareils, doing mad flashy kick-ups and volleying it from rooftop to rooftop like in that ad”, it is Hodgson’s firm belief that more sweaters would have done the trick.

The former Fulham, Liverpool and West Bromwich Albion boss had his players training in a selection of his own pullovers, presented to him as Christmas presents from his grandchildren over a period of years, in order to prepare them for the Amazonian climate of Manaus.

However, the tactic proved unsuccessful as England bowed out at the group stage with just one point from three games – and Hodgson has laid the blame squarely at the feet of his own grandchildren.

He roared: “Frankly we needed more sweaters out there, so you’ve got to look at my grandchildren and ask, ‘Why didn’t they buy me more of them?’

“I’m particularly disappointed in young Alex – his digital marketing company is doing quite well, so he could definitely have bought me more sweaters.

“Qatar is only eight years away, so my lesser performing grandchildren have time to further their careers in order to be able to buy me more knitwear.

“Russia’s cold, isn’t it? I suppose we could train naked, couldn’t we? We wouldn’t need any jumpers for that.

“But we’ll definitely need more jumpers for Qatar. I hear it’s bloody hot there.”

Meanwhile, Greg Dyke was this morning still locked in negotiations with Her Majesty the Queen with a view to installing her in a Director of Football role.

He said: “They’re going to play like Brazil 1970 when they look up into the stands and see the face of all money gazing benevolently down upon them.

“It’s going to be even better than Eastenders, you just watch.”