Not enough footballers taking drugs

Some drugs, possibly belonging to a footballer.
Look...drugs! (Image credit: Nightlife of Revelry)

Last night’s Dispatches investigation into drug use in English football has left viewers bemoaning the lack of drug use in English football, it has emerged.

As what promised to be a shocking exposé full of high-profile subject matter descended into tedious insinuations about Players A, B and C, hundreds of thousands of people at home switched over to University Challenge in disgust, with many declaring the swotty BBC staple to be infinitesimally more exciting than the revelation that some non-league player or other once went face down in marching powder.

Channel 4 have responded to the spate of irate responses by claiming to have had “no idea” that the broadcast would at no point show John Terry all hepped up on goofballs, but this is unlikely to appease those who have been relieved of a portion of their life commensurate to however much of the show they managed to watch before attempting risky surgical procedures on themselves out of sheer boredom.

Alex Townley, a Stoke City supporter from Tunstall, said: “Last night’s Dispatches was the biggest waste of time since Panorama did something football-related.

“We were led to believe that some of the Premier League’s biggest names were to be outed as unstoppable crackheads but, frankly the most shocking revelation was that Garry O’Connor is actually a footballer.

“I suppose if I want to see a footballer pass it to the left-hand side, I’ll have to wait until the next time Dean Whitehead spreads the ball out wide to Etherington.”

Tom Lake, a Leyton Orient fan from Hackney, said: “I tuned in to Dispatches last night fully expecting to see the Neville brothers staggering around a field laughing hysterically at their own hands.

“After fifteen minutes of that tripe, I had to bang a load of uppers up the Tex Ritter just to stave off the kind of deep slumber that would have made Sleeping Beauty look like a jittery power-napper. I haven’t managed to sit down since.”

He added: “If I end up on a rectal donut because of some TV show, I will wreak pure, malevolent vengeance upon an unsuspecting world.”