Onlookers were left stunned yesterday as a Neymar free kick defeated a Mario Balotelli free kick in an epic lightsaber duel at the Itaipava Arena Fonte Nova stadium yesterday.

The stadium, officially titled Complexo Esportivo Cultural Professor Octávio Mangabeira (seriously, google it), bore witness to the astonishing spectacle on a weekend that confirmed the gosh darned wonderfulness of this summer’s Confederations Cup, coming as it did to fill the football-shaped* hole in our lives since the end of the domestic league season.

(*As in football as a whole, not just one singular football).

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one onlooker said that – in all his years of onlooking, and believe you me that’s a lot of looking on, I mean we’re talking about a lifetime’s worth of onlooking here – he’d rarely looked on at such a titanic tussle as that which saw the Brazil star’s free kick slay its Italy counterpart after an epic battle that saw both parties bounding about all over the place, leaping onto conveniently placed platforms, swinging from vines and whatnot.

He said: “It was a wonder to behold, even more so than the thousand-year war that Italy contested with Japan the other night.

“They were all like (imitates the sound of dramatic swooshing and clashes of light sabers), then Balotelli’s free kick was all like, ‘Noooooooooo!’ – it was so totally bad ass, I almost wet myself.

“Is the Confederations Cup usually this enthralling? I just thought, ‘Oh well, at least it’s football,’ – you know, ’cause of all the football stopping – but if anything it’s even better than the normal football, with its meagre, wintry scorelines like 1-1, 2-0 and of course the dreaded 0-0.

“Spain scored so many against Tahiti that I expect some to have missed this, but I’m sure at least one of Fernando Torres’s goals was scored with a pumpkin that had accidentally found its way onto the pitch.

“It didn’t even make it into the goal in one piece – there were bits of pumpkin flying off into all directions of the goal. I’d have expected the referee to spot that, to be honest.”

His wife said: “Stop looking on at the damned football and come and have your tea, for crying out loud.

“Honestly, I thought there was meant to be nothing until August. What’s all this Neymar free kick rubbish about, then?

“To be fair, it is pretty amazing that he only weighs only 8 stone 6. I really should solicit him for weightloss advice.”