The next Sunderland manager odds are in, and you – yes, you – are odds-on favourite.
Following unsuccessful stints from every other ****er in existence, Black Cats chairman Ellis Short has turned his attentions to you – yes, you, the reader – in his bid to preserve the Stadium Light as a hotbed of Premier League football.
Fascist fruitloop Paolo Di Canio was the latest to be shunted out of the job after somehow racking up eight defeats in just five Premier League games – so now it’s up to you to restore Mackem pride.
Are you up to the task?
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Short confirmed his interest in acquiring your services for the final 33 games of the Premier League season, a period known in the business as “squawky bum time”.
He said: “You might have seen the next Sunderland manager odds.
“Congratulations! You – yes, you, stop pointing at yourself and looking gormlessly around you – are the man we want to engineer our battle against the dreaded drop.
“We’ve tried everyone else – Steve Bruce, Martin O’Neill, Barry Chuckle, the one-armed drummer out of Def Leppard – and now you represent our only hope.
“I have the utmost faith in your abilities. I saw what you did with Torquay United on the 1997/98 edition of Championship Manager – that was very impressive.
“Suffice it to say, if you’re able to win the same number of Champions Leagues at Sunderland – twelve, was it? – you’ll be up there alongside Peter Reid as one of this proud club’s greatest managers.
“He took us to 7th. Twice.”
He added: “Good luck on your quest. We all believe in you.”
You were unavailable for comment as you were busy negotiating a pre-emptive severance package.