Next Crystal Palace manager odds-on to be nonsensical

Pulis successor set to be some kind of absurd comedy figure, possibly a clown.

Next Crystal Palace manager odds-on to be someone like this
APPLICANTS: Wacky (Image: Gage Skidmore)

The next Crystal Palace manager is odds-on to be some kind of absurd comedy figure, possibly a clown, after no-nonsense managers up and down the country ruled themselves out of the running.

Tony Pulis yesterday vacated the Selhurst Park hot seat after ‘crunch’ talks with owner Steve Parish pertaining to the temperature of said seat, and whether it could be turned down a notch or two.


When Parish refused to budge on the matter, and subsequently refused to sanction a bid for Michu on account of his “looking like a total lech”, Pulis naked-headbutted the tea lady, cast off his baseball cap in fury and stormed off grumbling to himself.

“It was as if Muttley had just been told he’d failed his rowing instructor’s entrance exams,” said one onlooker.

News of Parish’s refusal to cooperate has reportedly spread like wildfire throughout the no-nonsense football manager community, comprised of old-school, hands-on types who call a spade a spade and don’t suffer fools gladly.

The Eagles must now turn their attentions to the nonsense community, comprised of ludicrous jester types who call a spade a trombone and suffer nasty falls with frankly unhinged relish.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for William Hill explained that their next Crystal Palace manager odds were currently being drawn up by a committee of lunatics sourced from a local asylum.

He said: “No one in their right mind would go near the Crystal Palace job after seeing a sensible bloke like Tony Pulis wash his hands of it.

“We needed the help of the clinically insane to determine who might actually be daft enough to take it, because we could only think of gruff Glaswegians like David Moyes and Malky Mackay.”

He continued: “It’s okay, they’re the loopy ‘Mad Hatter’ kind of loons that wear bow ties and bash themselves on the head with comedy mallets until their tongues loll.

“Not the deeply disturbed ones who hear voices telling them to burn things. We couldn’t get clearance for that.”