‘Newcastle United postpone fans forum’ – just the headline that Magpies supporters would have been reassured to wake up to this morning, safe in the knowledge that their club is in good hands.

Well wake up to it this morning they did, as the club’s board members issued a statement asking supporters if they could meet “some other time, it’s just that we’re all feeling a little bit peaky this morning…must be something going around”.

The directors, non-committal, also refused to comment on speculation that Alan Pardew’s assistant John Carver is currently in Newcastle city centre hurling a string of obscenities at a tree he believes to be mocking him.

Newcastle of course have just lost 4-0 at Southampton for the second time this calendar year.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Pardew drew the blinds so we couldn’t see Carver yelling at a tree, then quickly changed the subject when we pointed out that we could still hear Carver yelling at a tree.

He said: “What you have to understand is that we didn’t have long to prepare after the internationals.

“Not that I’m resorting to excuses but if I was then I’d probably go for that, followed by something about the fans’ negativity affecting our spirit.

“Obviously Southampton didn’t have long to prepare after the internationals either, how observant of you to point that out.

“But their players don’t strike me as being as politically engaged as our lot, and the recent Scottish Independence debate has been very distracting for them.

“Hopefully Thursday’s referendum will draw a line under it and we can start afresh for the Hull game.”

At the time of writing, Carver was still labelling the tree a “f***ing nugget” and daring it to unfurl some sort of derogatory banner.

Newcastle United postpone fans forum? Nothing to worry about.