A crazed David Moyes has taken Sunderland hostage, telling negotiators: “I’ve got nothing left to lose”.

The visibly disturbed Black Cats boss communicated to police that he knows it’s over once he steps outside and he will be headbutting one of his players for every hour that passes without assurances on his future.

Last night’s 1-0 defeat in the Tee-Wear derby at Middlesbrough left Sunderland teetering on the brink of long-overdue relegation to the Championship.

With Moyes fearing for his prospects of ever landing a decent job again, something has evidently snapped inside him.

As such he remains walled up in the Stadium of Light holding his entire playing and coaching staffs as hostages.

Communicating exclusively to Football Burp through a megaphone, Moyes said: “I want Ellis to tell me I’ve got another season.

“No wait, make that three seasons – this could be quite the rebuilding job, I still haven’t quite completely reassembled my 2009 Everton side.

“Once I do that everything will be fine, I swear.”