Mourinho wags finger at youngster, reveals evil plan

Self-proclaimed 'Special One' does aggravating thing again.


José Mourinho
Mourinho ponders his next act of belligerence (Image: Ronnie Macdonald)

José Mourinho hit new lows on Saturday when he confronted an innocent ball boy for supposed time-wasting at Selhurst Park, writes Umarah Naz.

The self-proclaimed ‘Special One’ was seen wagging his finger at the youngster and then whispering something in his ear.

It seems that seeing his team go a goal down to Crystal Palace was just too much to bear, resulting in him bullying the bemused child.

When asked what he had actually said to the boy, the Blues boss remained bullish.

He shrugged: “I said if he wasted time he would get punched by one of my players.

“When we pick our penalty takers before the match, we also pick one player who will punch time-wasting ball boys in the face.

“It’s a Chelsea tradition and today John volunteered. I don’t know why he was so keen to do it today, he normally refuses. Anyone’s guess, really.”

Some supporters suggested there was history between the two.

Horatio Pumpernickel, a Crystal Palace fan from Clapham, said: “When Jose walked out on to the pitch he was giving the lad bare evils [dirty looks].

“And the boy was like, what?! After that I just knew there was gonna be a beef. I was ready and recorded it and everything.


The ball boy was unavailable for comment due to homework commitments – but his heavyset mother gave Football Burp an exclusive.

She roared: “Who does that Portuguese eejit think he is, talking to my little boy like that?

“You tell him from me, when I’ve finished with him he won’t be the Special One any more – he’ll be the Special Needs One.”

(The above quote may be deleted when Burp’s lawyer wakes from his tequila-induced slumber he categorically had not been drinking, and yes the special needs thing is probably okay.)

The ball boy has since been offered a £1m recording contract by Simon Cowell with his first release rumoured to be an acoustic cover of Eiffel 65’s “Blue (Da Ba Dee)”.