Mourinho to Schweinsteiger: “Stop hitting yourself”

United manager manipulates German into self-pummelling as bullying escalates.

José Mourinho is bullying Bastian Schweinsteiger
BULLIED: Bastian (Image: Matt Janzer)

José Mourinho has urged Bastian Schweinsteiger to stop hitting himself while forcibly making him hit himself, it has been confirmed.

The Manchester United manager has been accused of bullying the German, administering wedgies, wet willies and Chinese burns as part of a systematic attack.

Mourinho also made Schweinsteiger clear out his locker before bundling him into the locker and locking him inside said locker.

World Cup winner Schweinsteiger, widely praised for his impeccable performances and never-say-die attitude while at United, told Football Burp he’d been left “broken” by Mourinho’s persistent undermining.

Gasping for breath in between flushes, he said: “I don’t understand why he’s doing this to me.

“For crying out loud, I’m Bastian Schweinsteiger, darling of Old Trafford. I shouldn’t be here with my head in a toilet.

“Why are you still trying to interview me? Why don’t you ask Mourinho why he’s flushing my head in a toilet literally right now?

“He’s standing right here. Ask him.”

José Mourinho declined to comment.