José Mourinho has confirmed that he is in the market for a new scapegoat after watching his Chelsea side fall to a 3-0 defeat at title rivals Manchester City.
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The Jack Dee lookalike, Portuguese, is eager to bolster his squad with a sacrificial lamb or two having disposed of his medical staff in a fit of recklessness.
Sources have indicated that Mourinho is now set to drop his interest in £30m-rated Everton defender John Stones in order to focus on landing the fall guy of his dreams.
It is further understood that an injury to John Terry has not dissuaded him from prioritising a patsy over a new centre-back, although he has ruled out a return for either Eva Carneiro or Samuel Eto’o.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mourinho outlined his admiration for Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn but admitted that they were some way off from agreeing terms.
He said: “He’s very anti-business, so I’m afraid he wasn’t interested in our offer of £300,000 a week.
“This is a shame because he’s proved himself to be a world class whipping boy of late – he’s been blamed for, and accused of, basically everything in the press.
“Of course this appeals to me, but we’ve been exploring several alternatives and Roman is adamant that he can afford to bail out that ‘Rain Man’ Libor banker.
“He could take the rap for everyone. I’d be exonerated forever more. It’s almost too joyous to contemplate.”
He added: “Or was everything I said just now mind games?
“You decide!”