Mourinho now able to retroactively edit his own track record

Man Utd boss acquires power to customise his results and achievements.

José Mourinho is magic
MAGIC: Mourinho (Image: Tsutomu Takasu)

José Mourinho has acquired the power to retroactively customise his own managerial track record, airbrushing historical results to his advantage, we can confirm.

The revelation landed as Mourinho refused to acknowledge Hull City’s first goal against Manchester United in last night’s EFL Cup semi-final second leg, on the basis that “it was a bit ****”.

However this does now cast doubt on his impressive CV, as spectators begin to wonder whether he really won all those trophies with Porto, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Inter or he just says he did.

Similarly, there are now questions as to whether he really did score a last-minute overhead kick on the moon to win the 1958 World Cup for a Portuguese Empire XI.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mourinho remained philosophical.

He said: “What you mean EFL Cup semi-final second leg?

“I win EFL Cup last week. Twice.”