Mayor tasks EPL stalwarts with restoring civil harmony

Adams...volunteering (Image credit: Tim Boyd)

The Mayor of London has sent for a crack team of elite nineties Premiership hard men to deal with the Capital’s escalating riots, it has been confirmed.

Throughout the night, the lack of “proper” hard men in today’s top flight threatened to spiral out of control, as a committee of peace-makers including Lee Cattermole, Phil Neville and Nigel Reo-Coker was tarred, feathered and chased out of town by rambunctious youngsters.

However, Football Burp understands that erstwhile terrace heroes such as Julian Dicks, Neville Southall and Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock have cut their holidays short by special request of London Mayor Boris Johnson and are gearing themselves up for a night of intense negotiations and/or fisticuffs.

Speaking in front of a street full of bloody angry-looking people, the Mayor said: “I felt a sickening sense of incredulity that this could really be happening in our city. I felt a blinding anger at the callousness and selfishness of the rioters.

“That’s why I called upon former Arsenal and England skipper Tony Adams – who was on an exchange trip in Azerbaijan so it’s jolly good of him to join us – to come and bash some oik skulls together, instilling in our city’s youth the kind of discipline with which he marshalled the Gunners’ back four to the 1994 Cup Winners’ Cup.

“Gary Mabbutt has had to cut short his safari trip in Kenya, while Vinny Jones came straight down from his parents’ castle in Mull. I had my people contact Roy Keane’s people and he has agreed to keep an eye on the warehouse fire that he claims to have started with his mind.

“We strongly urge all Premiership hatchet men of yesteryear to make themselves known to the authorities as they may be our only hope of resolving these riots in a swift and authoritative manner.”

England U21 coach Stuart Pearce told Football Burp: “When Muamba and Henderson start giving me a bit of cheek, I usually just cuff them round the ear and tell them to give it a rest.

“Get on the wire and send the word out round the country that we know how to bring these sons of bitches down.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron has commended former Coventry City goalkeeper Steve Ogrizovic for handing out signed gloves and shin pads to police in his vicinity.

He Tweeted: “Those old Sondico designs really are the best #operationslapahoodiewithsteveogrizovicsglove .”