Manchester United wingers Ashley Young and Antonio Valencia are in fact Simpsons aliens disguised as Premier League stars, we can exclusively reveal.
The duo were rumbled when Tom Cleverley caught them holding hands in the showers at the Red Devils’ Carrington training ground, an act attributed by both to the need to “exchange long protein strings, and if you can think of a better way then we’d like to hear it”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Young – real name Kodos – explained that he and his partner Kang assumed the form of the Manchester United wingers sometime around 2011 as part of a plan to bring planet Earth to its knees.
It said: “We had to put a stop to United’s dynamic wing play in order to suffocate the team’s effectiveness in the final third.
“Our plan was set back a couple of years by the arrival of Robin van Persie, but the recurrence of his injury problems has restored our impetus.
“The plan is for Manchester United to finish outside the top four this season, outside the top half the next, relegated the one after that, then so on and so forth until the insurrection and dismay amongst United fans worldwide becomes an all-consuming distraction.
“Then it will be our time to strike, enslaving humanity for all eternity. Mwahahaha!”
Also speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Kang remained philosophical.
It said: “As a young boy, I dreamed of being a football – but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward – upward, not forward – and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
“Abortions for all!”
David Moyes was unavailable for comment as he was busy looking into a mirror, shaking his head and bemoaning his luck.