Your mother has been the subject of bids from Arsenal and Manchester United, it has been confirmed.

The offers, derisory, are reported to be somewhere in the region of 30 quid, although it’s rumoured that the fee could rise as high as 35 quid if your mother takes part in at least 75% of her nation’s international fixtures between now and 2016.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Red Devils boss David Moyes made it clear that, although he is eager to bring your mother to Old Trafford, he will not pay over the odds.

He said: “It’s no secret that we’re very interested in your mother.

“We’ve tabled an offer that we think is fair – now we’ll leave it to you to decide whether or not you deem it acceptable.

“One thing is for certain – we will not get drawn into a bidding war for your mother.

“So if it is true that Arsenal have tabled an offer of thirty quid plus one pound for your mother, we shall be forced to turn our attentions onto someone else’s mother.

Speaking totally non-exclusively to some other, far less amazing satirical football website, Gunners boss Arsène Wenger declared himself satisfied that you would see sense and flog him your dear old mum for next to nothing.

He shrugged: We are working in an inflated market, this much is clear.

“I have not spoken directly with your mother but I am led to believe that she has expressed a strong desire to be part of what we are trying to achieve here.

“Of course, she is suspended for the next six matches for swatting an opponent over the head with a rolling pin.

“We feel that this should be taken into account when it comes down to determining a fair price.”

Your mother was not available for comment as she was busy doing your ironing and tutting.