Liverpool v Manchester United sent everyone spiralling into an existential malaise as José Mourinho reverted to type at Anfield.

The 0-0 draw ruined Monday night as a game that everyone was looking forward to, and in many cases had arranged social occasions around, played out in abject tediousness.

Mourinho had thus far held off from whipping out his trusted bus, apparently to curry favour with fans who like to say things like “we’re United, we play the United way”.

But out came the bus for Mourinho to plonk right in the middle of everyone’s lives.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Alan, a Monday Night Football fan from Derbyshire, outlined the crushing malaise the match had sent him spiralling into.

He said: “It’s going to take months before I’ll be able to see the point in anything again.

“Why did this match have to happen to me? What’s with the bus? Could James Milner have conceivably fathered Marcus Rashford?

“All these questions are swimming around the empty spaces in my head where usually there would be thoughts of contentious penalty calls or calamitous back passes.

“You know, football stuff. Where was the football stuff? Now I have to contemplate the big issues – life, death, all of that stuff – and I’m terrified.

“Terrified and bored.”