Liverpool fans demand transfer system that lets them buy everyone

"Under the new system, boss players signing for someone other than Liverpoolfootballclub would be a thing of the past."

Liverpool fans
It’s a proven scientific fact that holding scarfs aloft makes you boss (Image: md.faisalzaman)

Liverpool supporters have petitioned the Premier League to introduce a new transfer system that would enable them to buy any player they want, it has been reported.

The system, revolutionary, was drawn up during a hastily arranged Skype conference held by Reds fans from around the world who have just about had enough of watching potential transfer targets joining other, better teams.

Having seemingly lost out on Willian to Tottenham Hotspur, the Anfield faithful – as well as hundreds of thousands of others who’ve never set foot in Anfield – proposed that Liverpool get to write down the names of all the players they want to sign at the start of every summer, and no other club is allowed to bid for them

Not just that, but all other clubs have to actively encourage the listed players to move to Liverpool by sending them persistent texts and emails reminding them of just how great an honour it is to play for “Liverpoolfootballclub” and that this is the season that “Liverpoolfootballclub” will return to their rightful position as “boss”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one Liverpool fan explained that they should automatically get to handpick all the best players because they are special in ways that the rest of us couldn’t possibly comprehend.

He said: “I can’t tell you how galling it is to lose out on a player to a club that finished below us five years ago.

“Under the new system, boss players signing for someone other than Liverpoolfootballclub would be a thing of the past.

“Only then may we see a return to the golden age of football, which I’m sure everyone will agree was back when Liverpoolfootballclub were winning everything in sight and hoovering up all the best talent from everyone else.

“Ah, the good old days. Football’s lost its soul now, what with all the sponsorship deals and Liverpoolfootballclub not winning everything.

“Although, as King Kenny said, having a good sponsorship deal is a bit like winning something. You’d be out of order to question that.”

He added: “Not being totally ace all the time?