Liverpool were this morning lapping up the plaudits of our nation’s proud media after Charlie Adam’s skewed spot-kick was officially confirmed as the first penalty in space.
The penalty, awful, is believed to have left the Earth’s atmosphere at around 7pm yesterday and has now infiltrated the libration of the Trojan asteroids orbiting Jupiter, a feat which is already being hailed as “the final say on the Luis Suarez race row”.
Speaking to Football Burp, eminent football writer Harry Summer stated his belief that Liverpool becoming the first club to complete the League Cup/first penalty in space double will put an end to the controversy once and for all, and remind everyone that the very thought of Anfield and its illustrious history should reduce even the most dispassionate observer into a quivering, obsequious shell of a man.
He said: “Yesterday, the footballing gods came home to roost, or something.
“By which of course I mean that, by emerging triumphant on penalties against that team with Steven Gerrard’s cousin in it, Liverpool Football Club drew a line under the first chapter of what is sure to be a new golden age for the greatest thing – not just football club, sports team or organisation, but thing – that has ever been brought benevolently into existence and watched over with loving grace by some higher power that would undoubtedly explode our heads to behold, or even to contemplate for more than a few seconds at a time.
“Were the very notion not stifled by biological impossibility, I would let Kenny Dalglish have my babies. As it is, I have sent my existing children to live a life of servitude in his shadow, and I have readdressed my lodging to Anfield of the South as a permanent reminder of what it means to be truly perfect.
“The whole thing has got me so totally superhot that I fear I may combust with rapture. Hail Liverpool Football Club, and long may they smite their enemies (on penalties)!”
Meanwhile, leading cosmologists have moved to play down the concerns of thousands of residents of America’s Deep South that “the sky got some crazy fireball thing toolin’ around all up inside it”, pointing out that, while the impact of Charlie Adam’s penalty on the solar system cannot yet be fully gauged, we should all be pretty stoked that Dirk Kuyt finally got a winner’s medal.