Britain was this morning waking up to scenes of widespread gooiness after a powerful combination of Mark Lawrenson and Martin Keown on last night’s Match of the Day 2 melted brains nationwide.

The grey matter, liquified, has seeped out from people’s ears and engulfed streets and houses in a manner not seen since all that flooding the other week.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Alan, a chemist from Surrey, explained that he’d managed to keep his brain in situ by stuffing bits of bread into his ear holes.

He said: “Thankfully I spotted the danger early when Keown adopted a really earnest facial expression and said something so blindingly obvious that it made the baby cry.

“By the time Lawrenson had attempted his first unfathomable attempt at banter, I was prepared for it – but most viewers weren’t so lucky.

“It’s now up to the likes of me to figure out how to clear up the whole mess, which isn’t easy as we all lost at least some brains from watching those two dolts in action.

“In any case, I’m a chemist – what the hell do I know about mass clear-up operations?”

Match of the Day 2 presenter Mark Chapman was unavailable for comment as he was busy scanning Catcher in the Rye for passages about bewildered-looking former centre-halfs.