Kyle Walker laughing gas resistance flabbergasts scientists

Boffins curious as to whether Glenn Johnson might be able to brush his teeth with anthrax.

Laughing gas
This is what used to happen before wife-beating was invented

It’s the Kyle Walker laughing gas shame that’s rocked the nation! However, scientists are keen to run further tests to determine the effects of various harmful substances on England full-backs.

Walker’s incredible ability to withstand sucking nitrous oxide out of a balloon without exploding to death left boffins flabbergasted, and curious as to whether Glenn Johnson might be able to brush his teeth with anthrax.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one qualified brainiac claimed that we could be on the verge of “a scientific golden age for international defenders overcoming biological hazards”.

He said: “It’s truly amazing – I mean, everyone knows how deadly laughing gas is.

“95% of people to have inhaled it have burst into flames on the spot, or had a grand piano fall on them from a great height, or one of those wacky ACME anvils.

“I once heard of a student who just looked at a laughing gas canister and his head slid clean off his shoulders. You don’t mess about with this stuff.

“The Kyle Walker laughing gas scandal may have quite literally sent shock waves through the nation, but if we can get Leighton Baines to emerge unscathed from one week in an asbestos-lined dungeon then we could really be onto something.

“We’re not sure what exactly, but opposition wingers will certainly think twice about taking on an Ashley Cole that’s on fire.”

In other news, Micah Richards has necked a pint of botox, wiped his mouth dry and immediately ordered another.

How shocked were you by the Kyle Walker laughing gas scandal? Say, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being really, REALLY shocked? Have your say in the comments whatsit below!