Kuszczak “Starving” After Going Out And Getting “Legless”

Tomasz Kuszczak is more like a butler.
Kuszczak... Copy/paste (Image courtesy of John Dobson)

Seventeenth-choice Manchester United goalkeeper Tomasz Kuszczak has further enraged the general public with a bungled attempt to apologise for his remark that Sir Alex Ferguson treats him like “a slave”.

The Poland international, a Pisces, made the insensitive remark after seeing his proposed loan move to Leeds United blocked and proceeded to spark further indignation when he attributed his lack of good sense to having been out the night before getting “legless”.

Kuszczak then provoked gasps and no little fainting by stating that he was “starving”, before observing that a passer-by would “catch their death from cold” if they didn’t dress up more appropriately for the winter months.

A really pissed off person said: “These comments are incredibly offensive to all of the following: slaves, Romans, alcoholics, amputees, the impoverished, dead people and polar bears.

“I don’t know if you realise how many dead people there are but I can assure you they’re very much in the majority. Kuszczak must be mental if he thinks he can just brazenly come out with this stuff in the press.”

Another really pissed off person, who had until then been endorsing the first really pissed off person’s every comment with hearty cries of “Yeah!” and “Right on!”, suddenly stopped in his tracks and asked coyly: “Erm…can you say ‘mental’?”

According to Burp sources, Kuszczak has been advised to reconsider his status to ‘butler’, or any other form of employment that involves the receipt of regular payment in exchange for being told what to do and jolly well doing it.

He is now believed to be readying a statement in which he accuses Ferguson of treating him like “a chartered accountant, or something”.