Former Wolverhampton Wanderers, Coventry City, Inter Milan, Leeds United, Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool and Celtic striker/boyhood supporter Robbie Keane is still only 31-years-old, it has been revealed.

The Irish guy, a Cancer*, is the subject of interest from Aston Villa, whose manager Alex McLeish wants to bring him in on a two-month loan from LA Galaxy during the American off-season because he saw his Everton counterpart David Moyes doing it with Landon Donovan and thought it was pretty cool.

Villa are in erratic form, following up their momentous 3-1 victory at Chelsea with a wretched 2-0 defeat at home to Swansea City, but McLeish is confident that Keane’s presence can shock his squad into performing consistently, in much the same way that prisoners or drug-addicts are presented to classes of schoolchildren as an example of what they could end up like if they don’t hand in their maths homework on time.

McLeish said: “I’ve seen the lad’s birth certificate and I can confirm that he is indeed still only 31.

“It’s frightening when you think about it. It wasn’t that long ago that Liverpool paid £20m for him, and now he’s plying his trade in a league which I’m still not convinced isn’t just a really, really good piece of satire.

“He may have looked like a busted flush at this level towards the end of his second stint at Spurs, but Emile Heskey’s relative failure as a deterrent has forced my hand.

“We have a lot of promising youngsters at this club, and they can only benefit from two months’ worth of what I’m calling – and I trust it shall catch on – Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come therapy.”

He added: “Also, you can never have enough Micks about the place.”

(*In astrological terms, not as in “…on dressing room morale” or “…on society”.)