Jose Mourinho quotes from the past have taken to the streets of London and started to endlessly replay themselves, causing literally dozens of people to flee in error.

The quotes, on loop, caused yelps of affright when they bounded out from within the confines of a plasma screens showing Sky Sports News in pubs across the capital.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, A. Rozzer said that the dozens of startled citizens needn’t have sought refuge, as the returning Chelsea manager’s erstwhile comments were not in any way harmful.

He harrumphed: “The self-styled Special One – yes, I do speak like that all the time – is not detrimental to your health, at least not his quotes. Not even the one about the goose with swine flu. We’re not sure about the eggs quote yet but we’ve got people working day and night trying to decode it.

“If in a week we’ve still got nothing, we’ll just ask him.”

Meanwhile, incoming Everton manager Roberto Martinez has said it feels “dead weird” being at a club in the top six rather than bottom six of the Premier League.

He continued: “I constantly feel like I’m upside down somehow, but then that could be the ketamine that Bill Kenwright slipped into my coffee while we were discussing terms.

“I still can’t believe I agreed to commit my own money towards enrolling. What the hell is that ‘lab fee’ for, anyway?”

Kenwright could not be reached for comment as he was busy filming himself giving a series of emotive interviews in different locations, which he intends to distribute amongst his media contacts as soon as the Mourinho hysteria dies down.

A pal said: “They’re his best works yet, except for the one he did on a roller coaster – while it succeeded in conveying the highs and lows of life as an Everton supporter, his stirring message was lost amidst the screams.

“Let’s see what Dave Whelan comes up with. I envisage quite the soliloquy.”

Even meanwhiler, England did something in Brazil.