An agreement has been reached to make Jonjo Shelvey Swansea City’s latest summer signing, Brendan Rodgers having opened his second envelope of three to reveal the midfielder’s name inside.
The Liverpool boss, sincere, had previously sent Andy Carroll packing off to West Ham United, despite the target man’s protestations that he couldn’t possibly have let the Reds down – the sole prerequisite of envelopedom – as he wasn’t even at Anfield last season.
Speculation is now mounting as to whose name is contained in the third and final envelope, and which fellow mid-table club they’ll be shunted unceremoniously out to.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Rodgers claimed not to be able to remember the identity of the third evictee but that he is “almost certainly Uruguayan”.
He said: “You may not have noticed it amidst all the fuss being made and adulation coming my way for guiding Liverpool Football Club proudly back into the top seven but I had a spot of bother or two with one of our false 9s last season.
“Not on a personal level – he always seemed to respond well to my deference to him, which was a psychological trick of my own devising more than anything else – but the boy comes with baggage.
“That’s why I’m shipping him out against his wishes, despite whatever else you might have heard.
“He came into my office in tears, honest, but I went all ‘Sir Alex to David Beckham’ on his backside – Jaap Stam and all that, okay? – and he slunk off, whimpering.
“If he apologises then I might consider taking him back. *Might*.
“I’ve got some bubble-wrapped bad boys lined up for next season. No ****er’s safe.”
He added: “Who’s the ****ing daddy now, eh?”
Who is the ****ing daddy now, eh? Is Jonjo Shelvey Swansea’s new golden boy? Have your say in that comments section thingy we keep further down the page…