Jonathan Walters to sue everyone, confirms Jonathan Walters

Boobs… Walters made a series of boobs in the 4-0 defeat to Chelsea (Img: bacdormn)

Stoke City forward Jonathan Walters is to take legal action against everyone over their decision to make a verb out of his surname without his consent.

Walters, Irish or something, was mightily cheesed off to log onto Twitter during Super Sunday and find that everyone – literally everyone, including you – was tweeting with words to the effect of “Joe Allen is having a Walters here”.

This compounded a poor weekend for the Potters star on a personal basis, having of course scored two own-goals, missed a penalty and booted the ball into his own face during Saturday’s 4-0 defeat at home to Chelsea.

Speaking exclusively to someone else, Walters said:

“It’s not like I’m the only person who’s done that. There was that other guy.

“You know, a few years ago.”

When pressed on the matter, Walters feigned a cough while saying something that sounded a bit like “bleppen”.

Tony Pulis said: “On the way back, he fell out of the team bus and was sent flying by a lorry transporting a consignment of fluffy pillows into the back of another lorry transporting a consignment of rodent traps. It was a bit like when Sir Alex booted the ball into Beckham’s face.

“The lad’s been a little unlucky there.”