Joe Kinnear sacked by himself? Oh, it happened alright, and furthermore it transpires that he’s laying the blame squarely at the feet of Yohan Kebab.

According to various mutterings, Kinnear relieved himself of his own duties as Director of Football in a mistaken attempt at restoring Newcastle United’s fortunes, storming into his own office and demanding answers of himself.

When he found himself lost for words, the former Wimbledon manager is believed to have lost his temper quite volubly and swearily.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp once he had calmed down a bit, Kinnear recalled having to console himself after informing himself that he was being made a sacrificial lamb for the Magpies’ ailing fortunes, and yes we will keep using the word ‘fortunes’ for those bits.

He roared: “So I says to myself, I says, ‘So you’re the Director of Football, are you?’

“‘Clear your desk, you’re out of here, you’re toast,’ I says. I really unloaded on myself, no f***ing about.

“So then I says, ‘Oh, that’s me, is it? I’ll just be off, then.’ Then I left.”

He continued: “What choice did I have? I’d just lost Yohan Kebab, who I signed from Barcelona Rovers for £300,000 in 1492.

“I didn’t stand a f***ing chance once that **** left.”

Alan Pardew was unavailable for comment because we didn’t want to talk to him.